Some Retro Games suck! That's right, there are some video games that completely missed the mark when it came to impressing gamers. This is not a good thing clearly. I want to be fully immersed in a game if I pop a cartridge in my Super Nintendo. I don't want to be struggling to get to even ten minutes of gameplay. Sometimes we have to admit defeat: some retro games suck. Here are five retro games that I feel are not worth your hard earned cash or valuable play time.
Shaq Fu (1994)
Imagine a famous basketball player becoming a character in Street Fighter 2. Now imagine that game game being absolutely awful in every way. Back in 1994 Shaquille O'Neal appeared in his very own 2D fighting game on the Sega Mega Drive and Super Nintendo. If this wasn't torture enough Shaq Fu also found its way on the Sega Game Gear, Amiga and Nintendo Game Boy in 1995.
What makes Shaq Fu such a terrible game? Not only is the idea of Shaquille O'Neal becoming a legendary fighter a terrible one the gameplay is simply awful. The moves were very difficult to execute making gameplay feel more like a button mashing contest than a game based on skill. Not only that the punch and kick sound effects were incredibly dull. Multiply the button mashing with the dull, out of context sounds of kicks and punches and you pretty much have Shaq Fu. The music is also very painful and does nothing to heighten the experience of this wannabe fighting game. Luckily Shaq Fu does not grace my very own retro game collection, it would only serve to taint it.
Sticking with the 2D fighting genre, Clayfighter was another title that appeared as though it could have packed a punch. Instead Clayfighter packed a terrible frame rate and flat, overall experience. I say overall because Clayfighter actually had some redeeming qualities on paper. For me, the characters looked really well thought out. The notion of MrFrosty coming to life to fight this deranged pumpkin headed dude was a good concept for my young mind back in 1993. Sadly the execution to did come to fruition. Slow paced gameplay, shocking frame rate, underwhelming arenas/levels and unrealisitc combat. At times it seemed as though moves were not even landing yet your opponent would appear to take damage!
Bubsy 3D (1996)
Now Bubsy 3D leaves a lot to the imagination! In fact I would go as far to say that Bubsy 3D feels like a cancelled video game that got leaked by a disgruntled dev. In 1996 Bubsy 3D was released on the PS1 and at the time the PlayStation 1 had seen some fantastic games like Ridge Racer, Resident Evil, Tomb Raider and Crash Bandicoot. So why was Bubsy 3D such a disaster? Bubsy 3D has some of the biggest polygons I've ever seen. Not to mention that those very same polygonal trees, characters and ledges were often very glitchy. I personally witnessed a lot of screen tearing and colour bleeds! The PS1 had so much power that clearly was not being utilised by this terrible game. There is also zero texture on any surface. Need we say anymore about Bubsy 3D. Avoid it at all costs!
Tomb Raider Angel of Darkness (2003)
Tomb Raider Angel of Darkness was released on to the PS2 and followed a reasonably successful string of Tomb Raider titles. Straight out of the starting blocks I sensed that Angel of Darkness was going to lack in many areas. The game starts out in the city of Paris which is so far removed from the ancient Tombs and jungles of Cambodia it's unreal. The industrial vibe of this Tomb Raider game added no value to the franchise resulting in Angel of Darkness getting it completely wrong in terms of environments from start to finish.
There is so much emphasis on movement and Parkour in Tomb Raider games that decent camera motion is imperative. Sadly Tomb Raider Angel of Darkness is way to jerky when it comes to cameras. At times I felt like certain climbs were impossible.
Visually Angel of Darkness seemed stuck in the 90's. Back in 2003 I wold have loved to see some deeper textures on character models, especially in Lara Croft. Oh well. Luckily Tomb Raider is still a very strong gaming franchise here in 2019.
Duke Nukem Forever (2011)
Fortunately it wont be Duke Nukem Forever. I prefer to rename this one Duke Nukem Never! Why? There's no denying how poorly executed Duke Nukem Forever was. Coming from playing Duke Nukem games on the PC in the 90's I had high hopes for this first person shooter. The levels were bland and uninviting, the humour was terrible, packed full of cringey one liner dad jokes that should have never been implemented in the game. I felt as though I had grown up a little but more than Duke Nukem himself. Duke Nukem Forever takes a while to get going and when it does the story leaves a lot to be desired. Duke Nukem Forever could have been so great but it lingered way to heavily in the past and for that reason I'll never pick it up again.
Blog by Gemma @ Juicy Game Reviews / TheGebs24
Retro Game Reviews. Mega Drive, Super Nintendo, Sega Dreamcast and more
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